Here’s a copy of the actual ad for Patrick Long’s Hollywood Stadium Cloning Inc. as it appeared in In Quotes magazine:
Welcome to Hollywood Stadium Cloning Inc
CEO Patrick Long
A Subsidiary of:
Me Love You Long Time Inventions Company
Brandenburg, Old Earth, Starlight Express Asteroid Belt… All these names bring to mind old-time glitz and glamor. Here at HSC Inc we bring you the best of the past to put some pizzaz into what might otherwise be yet another boring event or party.
But it doesn’t end there. HSC has perfected and patented the art of cloning. Whether you are looking at a short term engagement or adopting your very own baby who will grow up to be Elvis or Marilyn Monroe, HSC has a package to fit your needs.
While other companies have tried to perfect the art of Cloning, HSC has succeeded where all the others have failed. Our clones are made to meet your needs. Even our rush packages guarantee a viable clone with full indoctrination in as little at two weeks. How do we do it? That’s for us to know and our competitors to find out.
Since 2920 we have been on the cutting edge of cloning technology. We’ve already made all the mistakes that our competitors are still struggling with, including problems like Clone Melt or Clone Disintegration. We guarantee that the life of your clone will be as long as is specified barring acts of violence or accidental death.
In 2921 We made our first stable clone and Joe DiMaggio was brought to life once more.
With basic indoctrination even our early clones like Joe and Marilyn 1 mastered cadences, mannerisms and other key factors that brought the reality of the DNA we have systematically harvested to life. Not only that, but because we have purchased the patents on so many key historical figures you will find that any other company can produce only shoddy impersonators. It’s only at HSC that we promise and deliver the real deal.
Lets look at some of the basic packages. If you would like more information, please contact us so we can give you further details including a firm estimate of cost and what indoctrination and talents we can give your clone while they are being processed.
There are many different calibers of clones but they fall into three basic models and then add-ons and changes can be made from there. The three calibers are: Adoption Clones, Human Clones and Temporary Clones.
Adoption Clones: Adoption clones are entirely ‘human’. Emerging as infants the standard package can have the baby of your dreams delivered in nine months, if you select the Rush Order your baby can be given to you in as little as two weeks. The Deluxe Quick Service Package includes indoctrination and teaching your baby whatever skills that may be required.
This is popular with parents who have lost children or, in some cases, children who have lost parents! Basic indoctrination and skill set training will ensure that your clone has the same interests and predilections as its predecessor. Was your lost child fascinated by dinosaurs? Your new one will be too!
Or maybe you want a different sort of child. Do you dream of raising Abraham Lincoln? Well, now you can! *
Human Clones: Human clones are capable of free will and have regular human lifespans. They are generated as young adults (currently the oldest we can safely create is 21 years old although aging processes are constantly being upgraded). Human Clones have free will but they are thoroughly indoctrinated and skill-set incorporated for prompt service. If you’re planning a party and want a celebrity there, this is a good choice for you… so long as you are planning to use them for more than one party! Remember that Human Clones are long lived. Many clients prefer to come to a mutual agreement with the clone to avoid having that sometimes unpleasant feeling of ‘ownership’. We at HSC have learned that most people who desire Human Clones enjoy watching their creations live their own lives and see what happens next. It’s like having a child without having to put them through college since they come fully schooled and also include Future Shock. Who knows what greatness you could be responsible for bringing into the world? Lets find out!
Temporary Clones: If you’re looking for all the clone and none of the responsibility the Temporary Clone is the Clone for You. Built in with finite lifespans they are a great option for parties, weddings and any other event your heart can dream of!
Fully indoctrinated with complete skill sets we can have Bach play for you at your wedding, or heck, what about having the Beatles for your next themed party? We have so finely calibrated our TC’s that YOU can choose if you want their lifespan for days, weeks, months or even a year or two until the novelty wears off. Whatever your needs are, we have the package for you!
Hollywood Stadium Cloning: If you have a dream we will bring it to life!
*Please note that all cloning includes our patented Future Shock process to avoid having disoriented or unhappy clones who miss the past. This process is still in development but we promise that if there are any errors a new clone with a re-calibrated future shock will be provided to you in a free rush package. We will also dispose of the defunct clone to save you time and trouble.
Disclaimer: HSC deals in public domain clones, clones to which HSC has acquired exclusive patent and clones authorized through wavier. Any living person must give their express permission to be cloned. Some wills forbid cloning in the fine print, make sure to check if it is a loved one or someone who is recently deceased who you are looking to clone.
written by Virginia Carraway Stark for Hollywood Stadium Cloning Inc.