A Word from Our President

The following is a copy of a letter sent to Galactic News Network, In Quotes magazine, CelebNow Network and other GAGA news affiliates in response to the media storm surrounding the death of the 13th Prime Minister of the Galaxy, Luis Ruiz. It was penned by his widow, Gabrielle, who is currently President of the Universe.

Quit Saying I Killed My Husband(s)

 

Lately in the media there has been a rash of uninformed people spreading the unfortunate rumor that I was involved in my Late Husband Luis’s dreadfully unlucky accident.

The truth of the matter is that people will always be jealous and will always find ways to breakdown the reputation of beautiful, successful women. What woman in the whole of the galaxy is as successful (and dare I say, as beautiful as I)?  I’m certain we can agree that there is no one in the galaxy who is as sure to collect the useless slanders and lies against her person than myself.

It is difficult to be a woman who was married to a man who became known as the ‘luckiest man in the galaxy’. Luis Ruiz, The Thirteenth  Prime Minister of the Galaxy, also known as ‘Lucky Thirteen’, died tragically in his own bed, the victim of a shaving accident.

Yes! I have heard your questions so many times in the past- you all say to me, ‘But your Presidentship, how could this happen? That a man would stab himself to death three times in the belly while sleeping, it makes no sense!?”

This is how you show you are narrow minded and backward thinking is by saying these things! I will spell this one for you as I did for the inquiring sub-committee of All Planets Insurance, who found there was no fault in my case:

Luis was a man who valued his time. Did you know that a man spends between ten to twenty minutes every morning on his shaving regime? Do you know how many minutes that adds up to in a year? I didn’t, but I found out how many, it is as many as 7300 minutes or over 121 hours in one single year! A man who dies at the relatively young age of a hundred and fifty years has spent 18, 250 hours of his life shaving!

But Luis, my darling love, he would not spend so much of his life to waste on his vanity! He cared too much for his vows of office to waste taxpayer time and money on his own face. That is why he hired the famous hypnotist and race car driver, Renny Buhhard, to teach him to shave whilst sleeping.

Renny warned Luis and warned Luis that such a thing to undertake, was too brave and too experimental. Luis, he sadly refused to listen and so he spent several months on first the hypnotherapy required and then on practicing, first with a wooden dowel and then with a safety razor, but alas, as you all well know, Luis Ruiz was always a prefectionist.

I cried when he told me that it was time to begin the shaving with a straight razor. I told him, it was too much of a risk for the cleanest shave! Aya aya, he would not listen to me. He said I could not possibly understand the importance of a close shave to a man. I told him, I say, ‘don’t be retarded. That’s the so dumb. I shave my legs and lots of other things that you have no idea about you stupid man.”

He refused to listen. I tried to sleep next to him that night, but it was too difficult, I kept waking up and seeing the straight razor blade gleam in the moonlight, it was too much and so I slept in a different bed. The next morning the maid found him and called the emergency number. I woke to her screaming, you can’t imagine. That is why I say to you, stop saying I murdered my first husband, also stop saying the same about my second Prime Minister, ‘One Week Messer’. I have been cleared on both accounts and to say so, I can sue you and have many lawyers.

It wouldn’t be nice if I had to get the lawyers to come and sue you, so I’m asking nicely now for you and your publication and/or holo show to stop the nastiness or I will make you wish you had hired Renny Buhhard and had died quietly in your sleep yourself. You like threats? I can threaten better so watch your back.

Sincerely,

Gabrielle, President of the Universe.

 

*The Press Office of the President of the Universe wishes to specify that the President did not intend any slander or insult to the altered or mentally challenged members of the GAGA, nor did she intend to slander the memory of her beloved deceased husband. Such language was used in a dramatic and literary sense, as per GAGA FoS Regulation 2319-EA, Protected Use of Language as Rhetorical Device.

• written by Virginia Carraway Stark.